My Morning Musings |
February is here already and SO much is happening behind the scenes!
I may have been quiet, but that is because I am learning, growing, reaching out and working hard on how to help those who need support after an assault. I am excited at the progress and the new people and groups I have to work with! Thank you all for your support! February can be a hard month since it is such a "Hallmark Holiday" for Valentines. This can cause added stress, anxiety and upheaval in a family home. Any event that puts added pressures or expectations on a family/relationship, increase the chance of making an already volatile situation, violent. Some people feel lonely because they feel like they "should" be in love or in a relationship during the "season of love." This can make the vulnerable, even more susceptible to dating or situations that may go wrong. I'll be honest, the worst physical assault I ever had from my then spouse, was ON Valentines Day. We had a party, we had fun, we celebrated, but then, everyone left... it was just me - with my child and friend's child across the hallway... I couldn't make a sound, I just had to cower down, cover myself and try to remain silent. I could barely move the next day. I went to work on Monday, covered in bruises, aching and lying about a "mountain biking accident." I can't even believe anyone bought that story, I was no cyclist, I worked in a Social Services Office and was supposed to be the District Supervisor that day at a meeting at the Women's Shelter. I didn't go, and I sent a colleague. Holidays hurt - Valentines Day may seem like nothing to many people, but... well, suffice it to say, it is NOT my favourite Hallmark holiday! With this project, a main key point is RAISING AWARENESS. We never blame or discriminate - we provide supports to anyone who sees the nurse in the emergency room and could use our resources. This month, if you have a friend who needs a little extra love on Valentines Day - make a lunch date, go for a walk, show them they are loved and valuable and cared for. If a friend or family member discloses that they have been assaulted in any manner - listen, don't judge, don't blame - and let them know, there is support and they can go to the emergency room, see a nurse and are NOT required to report to the police if they don't want to. Our purpose is to ensure those affected who present to an emergency room in our province of New Brunswick, receive our support, in addition to the knowledgeable, compassionate, Forensic Nurse Examiners. We want to help the nurses give their patients who have suffered from sexual assault, domestic and or intimate partner violence. WE CARE! By providing new clothing, comfort kits with basic needs and toiletries, as well as gift cards for fuel, travel, meals, groceries, and resources, we allow the patient to take at least 24 hours to help them figure out WHAT TO DO NEXT. Many have no place to go, many return, and some realize this is the last time and go elsewhere. By supporting our program, you are supporting those who are vulnerable and in need. This is how you can help: E transfer to [email protected] - it is deposited directly into an account for the people we serve. Please add your name so we can thank you! On our website - we now have an active commerce page, where you can pay by credit card or debit. If you go to our donations page, the links are NOW active and the funds are deposited into our account. The donations page has levels of support from $1 and UP! Or, if you like, we can invoice you! Just email us at [email protected] and ask for an invoice, indicating how much you would like it to reflect. The support of the community, allows us to continue forward. The goal is to be a charitable non-profit at which time we can issue charitable donation receipts. If you need a receipt in the interim, please indicate via an email, and we may be able to provide that! HOW ELSE CAN YOU HELP? FOLLOW us on Facebook & Instagram, subscribe to our blog/newsletter and SHARE to those you know! You never know, who may want to help! Events coming soon! Keep watching!
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I have to say that there are times where my house gets me down... why isn't it more...??? Insert your WANTS here! However, my NEEDS are met! I do love my ancient old house set on 50 acres in rural New Brunswick! The only REAL problem with it (well according to me not an engineer...) is that our family is all so far away! When I do start to think about what I wish were different in my house, I catch myself, you see, not so many years ago, I was a single mom in a city where I could barely pay my rent, some months I didn't have it and I had to find help and repay it... I had to choose, do I spend my last $5 to A) drive my kids to school and daycare B) grab some milk and cereal C) forget being broke and get a Happy Meal for the kids to share and forget about my problems for awhile? I'll be honest, sometimes C was the choice and we layed on the floor with blankets and pillows and watched movies and the kids, hopefully, didn't realize how bad it really was! I am EXTREMELY grateful for the people in my community that helped us, that gave us physical, emotional and financial support - who did NOT let us become homeless! Most of us, are one to two pay day's from being busted ... and then what? Now with fuel being so expensive, transit that misses most parts of our province, food that we could barely afford - becoming even MORE expensive and landlords raising rents up to 400% when people struggled to start with... Well, it is time for ALL of us who have a warm safe roof over our head to help those who don't. I am actually starting to avoid using the word "homeless" because there is a connotation to the word that implies - people are without homes by choice and that is not exactly the truth! Of course there is the segment of the population that struggles with trauma, abuse, mental health issues and addictions that without support and treatment find living in a traditional home very difficult - for those people we need more resources and to work to help them from a holistic method that addresses all of their needs. They ARE people too! However, I have started to use the words "without homes" because as we are seeing in the news, in the emergency rooms and on the streets, many people are not without homes by "choice" or health and addiction issues, but they are "without homes" due to the economy, excessive rents and not being able to afford to get to and from work to get that pay! At We're Here For You - the mission is to help those who have entered an ER from sexual assault, domestic violence and intimate partner violence - and we know that the people who are living on the street are very vulnerable and also need help. Living on the street is not only cold (especially in New Brunswick!) but also unsafe and scary. We are putting a team together to walk or run the 2km or 5km on Saturday evening, February 25th to help raise fund for the Coldest Day of the Year National Fundraiser! We will be in the Fredericton, NB event but if you go to the link, you will find events all across Canada! Let's help those who need it. Let's be grateful for what we have, we can work towards improvement but we also need to be conscious that - if - we have a warm home, clothing and meals - we are very fortunate! Thank you for considering supporting this fundraiser and please feel free to JOIN our team or donate or both! You can sign up here to support us and this worthy cause! Thank you and if nothing else... please share this blog, post or email! (Don't forget to sign up for our newsletter to stay up to date with all we do!) Anyone who has lived through a frightening experience, trauma, abuse, or war... doesn't need to watch a HORROR movie for a excitement! I used to love horror movies back in the '80's - my friends and I would rent a VCR and some VHS tapes and pull an all nighter! Yes, I am showing my age! But alas, to remember times of peace and freedom, surrounded by friends, that's a good memory. It feels sad as an adult, to realize the world wasn't as safe as I believed and that if anything, we are having to be even more cautious in our daily lives and our children will only know a world that requires always watching your personal safety... The last thing I want to imagine is someone watching me, following me or jumping out to surprise me! You can keep your horror movies, thank you very much! (Remember, if it wasn't OK for the stalker in the horror movie to do, it isn't ok for your significant other either!) January is Stalking Awareness Month - if you have ever been stalked, it's possible you are not tuning in to watch "Jason or Freddie!" In Canada, stalking is called Criminal Harassment and is a crime! Now, if you keep in mind some of the things that ARE stalking... You'll see what I mean about the horror movies! No one who has lived through abuse and fear needs to watch it for entertainment! At least not me! When a person is being "stalked" they may often be so used to the behaviours that they don't even see it as a crime anymore. When you have lived in a situation that requires hypervigilance, power and control, zero privacy... Well, let's just say, sometimes it takes a friend to notice it's "wrong" when you can't anymore! There are people to talk to.... "Here are some examples of Criminal Harrassment from the Federal Government website:
These are common examples. Such unwanted behaviour can be frightening and cause emotional distress. You can take action if this is happening to you. Contact the police to discuss your options." justice.gc.ca Please reach out to any of the resources we share on our website, Facebook and Instagram if you need help and support before reporting a crime. If it feels wrong, it is! Stalking IS A CRIME! Stalking IS ABUSE! Stalking IS TERRIFYING! Join us in recognizing that January is Stalking Awareness Month KNOW IT NAME IT STOP IT We as a project, continue to grow! We will be serving more hospital emergency rooms in the province and are partnering with new agencies! We can't wait to share more information! In the meantime, if you would like to help this project, and the patients of intimate partner violence, domestic violence, and sexual assault, feel free to contact us! If you would like to join our newsletter/blog updates - please head to this link and go to the middle of the HOME page and hit NEWSLETTER subscribe! Below you will notice what we give to patients in the comfort kits and related needs - this is based on the nurses determination and we do not oversee that, we accept their decision making as to who would benefit from our support. You can also go to our AMAZON wish list and send in items if you like (the list is suggestions only as to the type of item needed and we will take more than quantity listed) or make e transfers to [email protected]
During the month of November, we focused on the prevention of family violence. We are now in December, now what? We are almost half way through the 16 days of activism against gender based violence. So, let's talk a bit more about that! We know that Christmas/Holidays/Winter - are the "Happiest Time Of The Year", at least according to the media! Is it the happiest time of the year for families in poverty? Who are without homes? Who live in isolation and have no support system? For those suffering from Mental Health and Addictions? For those who are living in an unsafe, violent situation? For kids who see others "with perfect families and money" and they don't have it? No, no, it isn't. What it does do, is add extra stress to lives that are already stressed to the max! The holidays make us have to "fake" being happy or normal or "in love" with our partners. Christmas was always a stressful time for me. Even as a kid, I loved and hated it at the same time, well, I was a kid, so mostly I loved it! I was lucky and loved and although we had many years where money was tight, Mom always made us gifts, baked food and decorated the house with us. I hated the Christmas tree and still don't like it much. Why? At home, we would have a great day, go up into the woods, toboggan, slide down hills, select a tree, have a fire and hot chocolate, often with our extended family. It was idyllic. I hated putting it up though. I seem to remember my parents would argue, the tree would fall down, us kids would fight about decorations and it just left me feeling a bit sad... that is until the lights were turned on, my favourite part! Later, in my home, my spouse would always get angry trying to get the tree to stay in the stand, he would yell, become irate and just make me wish it was done already. I didn't get the decorations right, I wasn't helpful enough, I was lazy, etc... It made me put it off as long as possible every year. Even as my kids grew, I tried to keep it fun and let them decorate however they liked, because I never liked being told I did it wrong. Yes, occassionally I would adjust some of it later, but I don't think they noticed, since I was discreet. During the holidays stress increases, we see people we normally wouldn't have, attend parties, there is more drinking and more unsafe driving... We all know "don't drink and drive" but when your partner is violent and drinking, it is dangerous to say no, even when you know better. We know that statistically family violence, sexual assaults and suicide increase during this time of year. Statistics Canada shows that violence has increased annually for the fifth year in a row. Canada has been tasked to bring forward a call to action to: “formally declare intimate partner violence as an epidemic.” So although, many of us will be having a quieter Christmas due to the economy, the price of fuel, and the rising cost of living, remember that others, are having a simpler Christmas due to isolation, poverty and abuse and while they wish it was quiet, it will likely be even more volatile "during the season." I had the opportunity this week to make two presentations to share the project and my story. The first was via Video/Teams to a group of Forensic Nurse Examiners (FNE) who work with patients who have come to the Emergency Room - after intimate partner violence, family violence and/or sexual assault. The second presentation was longer and in person to a variety of shareholders in the community of Fredericton who work in the field - first responders, nurses, social workers and those providing aftercare and resources, such as safe houses, counseling, etc. It was an incredible experience, I was honoured to share my experience with people who do the work. I adapt the content a little each time, to keep it fresh, relative and pertinent to the audience. It is exhausting. The first presentation was about 40 minutes, plus questions and the second, in person was about an hour, plus speaking individually to people afterward. Each time, I was anxious to present, appreciative of the response, exhilarated by the endorphins ripping through me, and grateful to be here, to share my story and help others. I worry that I am talking too long, sharing too much or not enough to make sense; am I getting my point across; did I use enough visuals; am I connecting with the audience? It is always good to speak to peole, to realize how many people have been there, or who will look at what they do differently, with a "new lens." I guess these are natural concerns during a presentation and no matter what, I am always glad to have been able to be there. I would like to thank the FNE Coordinator, Lisa from the DECH in Fredericton. Lisa has championed me on this cause for the past year and together we are navigating the best way to work together and help the patients in need. I look forward to future presentations if requested and hope that one day, this will no longer be necessary. Thank you to all who have listened to me this week, who provided feedback and especially for the donations given to me yesterday, to buy more gift cards! We shall continue on! I am going to try to add my little video to this post, I was still flying from the talk but fading fast! THANK YOU for your ongoing support! If you would like to support this project or help in any way, please contact us! Follow us on Facebook or Instagram or via our Newsletter! 11/23/2022 0 Comments Why Giving Tuesday?You may have seen or heard about #givingtuesday on social media, but what is it and how did it start? Well, it happens the Tuesday after Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Now that people have taken care of their needs, they look forward to helping others. This is from the Giving Tuesday Canada website "GivingTuesday was created in 2012 as a simple idea: a day that encourages people to do good. The idea caught on, and has grown around the world, inspiring hundreds of millions of people to give, collaborate, and celebrate generosity. GivingTuesday was founded in 2013 in Canada by CanadaHelps.org, GIV3 and several other founding partners. GivingTuesday has active movements in more than 80 countries, working year-round to inspire generosity around the world, with a common mission to create a world where giving is part of everyday life." We started this project on #givingtuesday2021 and here we are one year later! We are now partnering with the program and are excited to share this with you. We have set up a DONATE now button on our website which links to our Amazon Wish List - however we do also accept in kind donations, primarily we are looking for gift cards at this moment - we also accept e transfers to our email for gift cards and project needs. This month we will be presenting to several groups to share the project. Please keep us in mind, on Giving Tuesday! If you have questions, concerns or want to know more, please contact us! Let's help make the world a better place! Yesterday was 18 years since my family’s life changed forever. 18 years of trauma, healing, recovery and then realizing it can hit you again in a second. 18 years of the body and mind fighting to put the past behind us, yet knowing it is always back there somewhere. I spent 18 years in a toxic, abusive relationship. I have been out of that for 18 years. I am 56 years old, so 36 years of my life have been tied up in this, twisted, crazy, life. The first few years I felt physical pain, connected to the time of day - things happened to me. This is less now, but the past few days have had a little bit of everything, including physical discomfort. I am strong, I continue to heal; I am glad to be able to give back to my community and hopefully help others… It just creeps up on my every year and I don’t realize how or why until BAM! It hits me! The body remembers trauma, we have Somatic Symptoms – “experience a range of general symptoms like fatigue, nausea, diarrhea, constipation, joint or muscle pain, headaches, and palpitations, which may or may not be temporary.” For me, I never know until multiple experiences combine to make me realize that it’s “that time again.” The worst times for me, at the end of my relationship, were from September through November. So these months have a lot of emotion connected to them, which I often don’t even connect together or realize. What I share, is not to bring attention to me. I share to help others know they are not alone, there is science behind our trauma and reactions. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! That is why I started the We're Here For You Project, to provide support to those who need it. This year for example, I noticed that for the past few weeks, when we had "a" drink, I pushed it to excess. That is not my norm, I don’t have a drinking problem, but I often couldn’t seem to stop from mid October forward. Then around Halloween, I felt like I just didn’t want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I avoided calls, or responding, I put off what needed to be done, I procrastinated more than usual and found things to keep me overly busy that avoided what I should be doing. Then lethargy hit, I had to drag myself out of bed, I slept more than normal, I was fatigued and could barely even make myself cook. Last week, my eating was affected, I was either abnormally hungry and couldn’t fill the hole or would be hungry and when the food arrived, I lost all taste, interest, and appetite. Friday, the headaches began. I haven’t had headaches for a long time. I felt dizzy, my neck, jaw, head, everything started to ache. Was I getting sick? Saturday, I needed to get prepared for a Sunday event. I put it off all day and finally at around 5PM began to get ready and spent hours washing, cleaning, prepping… That night was Daylight Savings “Fall Back” and I couldn’t sleep. It took forever to get any sleep, multiple melatonin, finally I grabbed a few hours… then woke up around 5AM and just waited to go… At the event I was anxious, excited, rushing. My child reminded me to calm, relax, breathe… The event was great, fun, exhilarating in so many ways and filled me up, at least for the moment. By the end of the day we drove home, and I realized I had not eaten or drank all day. We stopped to eat, my food arrived, I could barely touch it or stay awake. It was all I could do to drive home. I passed out for hours on the couch and slept like the dead until 11AM the next day. Great! My headache was back and throbbing… My body knew. My brain forgot. “A somatic flashback causes the person to physically re-experience the trauma. It could be pain or discomfort or sensations.” Clearly this was happening. My PTSD was in full swing! Nightmares for the past month, self-isolation – not wanting to see or talk to people or rescheduling appointments, obviously some substance abuse since there were times I couldn’t stop and pushed myself too far, at least I was safe at home with my loving husband; emotional avoidance – not calling people I wanted to talk to because I just couldn’t handle any conflict; feeling on edge – my anxiety and worry and self blame; memory loss – forgetting that the “anniversary” was coming up; depression – spending hours in my room or sleeping; physical symptoms – all of a sudden I would be shaking, sweating, clammy – thinking I needed protein or carbs; and so much more… it sneaks up, we don’t even know it is happening. I see it in myself and my children. Guilt eats you up. Guilt, for not protecting your children, the community or myself. Guilt for not being successful in a way I think I should be. Guilt that your children have to live with this for the rest of their lives. Guilt for starting school strong, studying hard and then crashing and feeling like my brain just can’t do it. “PTSD damages the hippocampus, reducing it in volume by an average of eight percent. Not only does PTSD lead to flashbacks, anxiety and disjointed memories of traumatic events, PTSD also damages the brain's ability to convert short-term memories into long-term memories.” My brain has been mush! I walk to my desk, and completely forget what I am supposed to do. My husband and children are supportive and loving, however, how can they help when I don’t know what is happening as it creeps up on me? How can they help when my children are suffering too? We three, have this happen. We don’t know why, we don’t see it coming, we forget why we don’t really find “Halloween as fun as it should be”, why “upcoming birthdays feel traumatic instead of exciting.” We feel like crying for no reason. It is that time of year and some years it hits less, sometimes more… I don’t know why it does, but it is all part of the trauma and experience. Please be kind to those around you who have gone through a traumatic experience. Be gentle when they may seem unreasonable – perhaps they have been triggered; perhaps it is the “anniversary” or near the time when life became very hard. Don’t remind them of the experience but be open and non-judgemental if you ask them to share. Know that much of what they are feeling, doesn’t make sense, isn’t reasonable, but it is PTSD, Somatic Symptoms, Flashbacks, trapped emotions. I will continue to advocate and work towards helping others who have gone through trauma. I realize that the goals I had changed. I tried to go back to become a Social Worker, because the OLD ME wanted to, but the new me, has a different path. I stress and worry and there are normal stresses and abnormal, over reactive… I am strong and will be fine, but there are times or triggers that shut me down. Things I remind myself and my children to reduce dissociation and increase self-awareness:
I am so grateful to all those who helped and supported me. Doctors, hospital staff, RCMP, counselors, support workers, mental health, women's shelter and much more, including many friends and family. If reading this has brought up emotions or experiences for you that you need help with, please contact your doctor, or therapist. Please reach out for support. There are services listed on this site and agencies who will help guide you through your journey. Please sign up for our newsletter if you wish to receive automatic blog updates. Thank you. 11/8/2022 0 Comments Newsletter and UpdatesWe have added a SUBSCRIBE button on the HOME page so that you can be sure to catch all updates. There will be no spam and it all emails will remain confidential and not shared elsewhere. If you would like to remain up to date on all we do. Please hit SUBSCRIBE! Thank you!
We have also gone through and tried to update the page, ensure links are working and clean it up. If you notice any dead or inaccurate links - please email or tell us via the contact page. Thank you to all who shared about the fundraiser on Sunday, November 6th, to bring awareness to Family Violence Prevention Month and Sexual Assault Awareness - they often go hand in hand. If you would like to know more or to speak with me please refer to our website www.werehereforyou.ca phone number 506-243-1117 We would once again, like to thank the New Brunswick Provincial Exhibition (NBEX) for being supportive and allowing us to not only host our event on their grounds, but to provide the beautiful Community Cube to hold the fundraiser in! We often bring a tent but even though it was 23C out, the wind was blowing tents over, so having a solid space with power for our kettle and the help of the onsite maintenance man, Rick, we were especially grateful! The NBEX is very supportive to our community, check them out! Thank you to the Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners/Forensic Nurse Examiners for all they do for their patients - they see women, children, men, teens... they provide primary care and resources to patients who are at the ER due to Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) and Sexual Assault. In order to help the nurses, help their patients, the We're Here For You Project - provides fresh, new clothing for patients to select from, comfort kits with all the basic needs to help them after an exam and where they may go from their and gift cards for meals, groceries, fuel, sundries, etc. Yesterday we held a fundraiser and awareness project to purchase gift cards as that is currently our greatest need. People leaving the ER may have gone many hours/etc. without food and since we are a rural province, they may have traveled far. If they have been assaulted, attend ER, get a rape kit, report to police, find a safe place to go, they could be a day or more before they meet their basic human needs! Please help! Donations can be sent to [email protected] gift cards or money to purchase gift cards is appreciated. These will be given to the nurse examiners and they determine how to help the patient. Thank you to my child and roommate for running the booth yesterday in Fredericton to raise awareness and funds. Everyone knows someone. Let's improve the supports to those in need and in crisis, let's remove the stigma, let's help them, just a little bit before they start a long journey towards justice and recovery. #thankyou #people #help #nurse #police #food #money #giftcards #dignityandrespect #familyviolencepreventionmonth #sexualassaultawareness #werehereforyou #purplelightsnights |
Sarah Sherman - Founder of We're Here For You - Comfort Kit ProjectThe founder of this project, Sarah Sherman, felt compelled to help other women, children and young men - who find themselves seeking help after a sexual assault. From personal experience, Sarah knows the trauma of having to get help from the RCMP, going to the ER and the devastating experience of having to undergo a rape kit from a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) which can take several hours. The nurses are amazing, but nothing makes it feel any better. At the end of the exam, Sarah recalled what it was like to put on clothing that did not fit right, was inappropriate for herself and to walk out of the room with nothing. She wanted to do something that would make this recovery a little bit less intimidating for the next person. She hoped to help provide them with some dignity, respect and equality as they make their way through what will inevitably be a long journey of working through justice, healing and recovery. |
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