How our bodies remember trauma... Somatic Symptoms

​Yesterday was 18 years since my family’s life changed forever. 18 years of trauma, healing, recovery and then realizing it can hit you again in a second. 18 years of the body and mind fighting to put the past behind us, yet knowing it is always back there somewhere.

I spent 18 years in a toxic, abusive relationship. I have been out of that for 18 years. I am 56 years old, so 36 years of my life have been tied up in this, twisted, crazy, life. The first few years I felt physical pain, connected to the time of day - things happened to me. This is less now, but the past few days have had a little bit of everything, including physical discomfort.

I am strong, I continue to heal; I am glad to be able to give back to my community and hopefully help others… It just creeps up on my every year and I don’t realize how or why until BAM! It hits me! 

The body remembers trauma, we have Somatic Symptoms – “experience a range of general symptoms like fatigue, nausea, diarrhea, constipation, joint or muscle pain, headaches, and palpitations, which may or may not be temporary.”

For me, I never know until multiple experiences combine to make me realize that it’s “that time again.” The worst times for me, at the end of my relationship, were from September through November. So these months have a lot of emotion connected to them, which I often don’t even connect together or realize. What I share, is not to bring attention to me. I share to help others know they are not alone, there is science behind our trauma and reactions. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! That is why I started the We're Here For You Project, to provide support to those who need it. 

This year for example, I noticed that for the past few weeks, when we had "a" drink, I pushed it to excess. That is not my norm, I don’t have a drinking problem, but I often couldn’t seem to stop from mid October forward. Then around Halloween, I felt like I just didn’t want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I avoided calls, or responding, I put off what needed to be done, I procrastinated more than usual and found things to keep me overly busy that avoided what I should be doing.

Then lethargy hit, I had to drag myself out of bed, I slept more than normal, I was fatigued and could barely even make myself cook. Last week, my eating was affected, I was either abnormally hungry and couldn’t fill the hole or would be hungry and when the food arrived, I lost all taste, interest, and appetite.

Friday, the headaches began. I haven’t had headaches for a long time. I felt dizzy, my neck, jaw, head, everything started to ache. Was I getting sick? Saturday, I needed to get prepared for a Sunday event. I put it off all day and finally at around 5PM began to get ready and spent hours washing, cleaning, prepping… That night was Daylight Savings “Fall Back” and I couldn’t sleep. It took forever to get any sleep, multiple melatonin, finally I grabbed a few hours… then woke up around 5AM and just waited to go…

At the event I was anxious, excited, rushing. My child reminded me to calm, relax, breathe… The event was great, fun, exhilarating in so many ways and filled me up, at least for the moment. By the end of the day we drove home, and I realized I had not eaten or drank all day. We stopped to eat, my food arrived, I could barely touch it or stay awake. It was all I could do to drive home. I passed out for hours on the couch and slept like the dead until 11AM the next day. Great! My headache was back and throbbing…

My body knew. My brain forgot. “A somatic flashback causes the person to physically re-experience the trauma. It could be pain or discomfort or sensations.” Clearly this was happening. My PTSD was in full swing! Nightmares for the past month, self-isolation – not wanting to see or talk to people or rescheduling appointments, obviously some substance abuse since there were times I couldn’t stop and pushed myself too far, at least I was safe at home with my loving husband; emotional avoidance – not calling people I wanted to talk to because I just couldn’t handle any conflict; feeling on edge – my anxiety and worry and self blame; memory loss – forgetting that the “anniversary” was coming up; depression – spending hours in my room or sleeping; physical symptoms – all of a sudden I would be shaking, sweating, clammy – thinking I needed protein or carbs; and so much more… it sneaks up, we don’t even know it is happening. I see it in myself and my children.

Guilt eats you up. Guilt, for not protecting your children, the community or myself. Guilt for not being successful in a way I think I should be. Guilt that your children have to live with this for the rest of their lives. Guilt for starting school strong, studying hard and then crashing and feeling like my brain just can’t do it. “PTSD damages the hippocampus, reducing it in volume by an average of eight percent. Not only does PTSD lead to flashbacks, anxiety and disjointed memories of traumatic events, PTSD also damages the brain's ability to convert short-term memories into long-term memories.” My brain has been mush! I walk to my desk, and completely forget what I am supposed to do.

My husband and children are supportive and loving, however, how can they help when I don’t know what is happening as it creeps up on me? How can they help when my children are suffering too? We three, have this happen. We don’t know why, we don’t see it coming, we forget why we don’t really find “Halloween as fun as it should be”, why “upcoming birthdays feel traumatic instead of exciting.” We feel like crying for no reason. It is that time of year and some years it hits less, sometimes more…

I don’t know why it does, but it is all part of the trauma and experience. Please be kind to those around you who have gone through a traumatic experience. Be gentle when they may seem unreasonable – perhaps they have been triggered; perhaps it is the “anniversary” or near the time when life became very hard. Don’t remind them of the experience but be open and non-judgemental if you ask them to share. Know that much of what they are feeling, doesn’t make sense, isn’t reasonable, but it is PTSD, Somatic Symptoms, Flashbacks, trapped emotions.

I will continue to advocate and work towards helping others who have gone through trauma. I realize that the goals I had changed. I tried to go back to become a Social Worker, because the OLD ME wanted to, but the new me, has a different path. I stress and worry and there are normal stresses and abnormal, over reactive… I am strong and will be fine, but there are times or triggers that shut me down.

Things I remind myself and my children to reduce dissociation and increase self-awareness:

• Use your Five Senses
• Mindfulness  
• Slow breathing
• Write in a daily journal

​I am so grateful to all those who helped and supported me. Doctors, hospital staff, RCMP, counselors, support workers, mental health, women's shelter and much more, including many friends and family.

If reading this has brought up emotions or experiences for you that you need help with, please contact your doctor, or therapist. Please reach out for support. There are services listed on this site and agencies who will help guide you through your journey.

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