My Morning Musings |
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10/20/2024 0 Comments We ALL know SOMEONE! Everyone Knows Someone... Seems simple right? Except it's not... People STILL have the illusion that domestic/family/intimate partner violence ONLY strikes "poor", "uneducated", "other", people.... It seems that DAILY we hear in the news about local celebrities, or revered business people or religious leaders that have been arrested for Gender Based Violence. About 25 years ago, before I EVER told anyone what was really happening in my home, my province was ending funding to many resources that helped women in crisis. At the time we didn't have social medial like today, we had email and that is how I shared the information with my contacts. This proved to be very enlightening to me, and impacted how I shared my situation with others in the future. I was working in social services at the time, helping women who had escaped family violence - rich or poor, they often ended up in my office with nothing. Part of the violence is coercive control - in these cases it included threats of taking their children; keeping the woman isolated so others couldn't discover what was truly happening in their lives; monitoring behaviour - which is so easy now; is controlling or jealous; threats to harm themselves, your children or pets - and so many other signs! I was able to identify those issues in my clients lives, but not mine. In fact, coercive control may NEVER be physically violent... until its too late! Coercive control demeans and breaks down a persons spirit, strength, confidence and can begin to make them feel THEY are the problem - They ARE NOT! This happens at EVERY level of society - regardless of income, status, race, age, religion, sexual orientation, and more... Coercive control is a pattern - it is not obvious at first but it slowly and methodically, changes the victim (typically women or those who identify as women but this can occur in any relationship.) So, when I sent this email out to my contacts and a family member responded with, "Stop sending me this sort of thing, I am not interested, it does not happen in my circle." Well, you can imagine how that made me feel - I felt hurt and broken, I believed that because I had less money - I deserved it, I felt like I could never speak up or ask for help because then everyone would know that it was my fault. At the time, although I was living with violence - it wasn't "often" or "all the time", and it was usually my fault because I did the wrong thing or said something that triggered him. I didn't know about coercive control, I didn't realize that I was being controled, I just knew life felt bad and I was always walking on eggshells, and working hard to protect my children, and just bear the brunt of it myself. (It doesn't work! The children are always affected, this affects their behaviour, growing up and mental health, etc.) I knew I couldn't speak up as this person made it clear - no one wants to hear about that! Now, we hear about cases regularly in the news - we hear people speak up with little to no knowledge about what was really going on - defend the perpretrator with statements like, "I never saw that, I only saw a loving caring husband." Or, "I only saw him being kind to her, what did she do to upset him?" OR "They seemed so happy." Or "That was not my experience with him/her." WHY WOULD IT BE? The person speaking up and defending the perpetrator is aiding and abetting the abuse. Yes, people are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, but let me tell you, the court does NOT always get it right! Research shows that the numbers of false claims are very low; in fact, what is deemed a false claim in some cases may be because coercive control is not recognized by police and therefore deemed false. What we do know is that only a small percentage of acts of gender based violence are even reported. When you read what I wrote, do you understand why people don't share or report? How can you help?
We can do better! We ALL KNOW SOMEONE! Questions? Concerns? Contact us! We're Here For You Canada
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Sarah Sherman - Founder of We're Here For You - Comfort Kit ProjectThe founder of this project, Sarah Sherman, felt compelled to help other women, children and young men - who find themselves seeking help after a sexual assault. From personal experience, Sarah knows the trauma of having to get help from the RCMP, going to the ER and the devastating experience of having to undergo a rape kit from a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) which can take several hours. The nurses are amazing, but nothing makes it feel any better. At the end of the exam, Sarah recalled what it was like to put on clothing that did not fit right, was inappropriate for herself and to walk out of the room with nothing. She wanted to do something that would make this recovery a little bit less intimidating for the next person. She hoped to help provide them with some dignity, respect and equality as they make their way through what will inevitably be a long journey of working through justice, healing and recovery. |
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